Not Myself
by Miranda15
Summary: Someone is... not themselves. ;)
1. A Strange Situation

**Title:** Not Myself  
  
**Author: **BAS1630 (a.k.a Rachel)  
  
**Pairing: **None as yet. Main character is going to be Spike.  
  
**Rating: **Hmmmm.... I always suck at guessing this... My guess would be  
anything from PG-13 to R. I doubt very much that it'll be NC-17, since  
there's no graphic sex going to be depicted (sowwy).  
  
**Category:** Humor, Hopefully Action later on... maybe even Romance....?? ;-)  
  
**Word Count:** 920  
  
**Completed:** No, WIP.  
  
**Feedback: **Yes, please!!!! However, please RR but be somewhat gentle. As I read somewhere once, flames will be used to toast my stash of smores. :)  
  
**Warnings: **Um, spoilers for early Season 5 Angel, I guess.

**Summary:** It's obviously AU, so if the characters seem a tad OOC...  
that's my excuse! :) 

Not Myself

By Rachel 

"Angel, we have a situation."

Angel lifted his head from his papers as Wesley and the others walked into his office.

"Color me stunned." A touched relieved, Angel pushed back the files and forms he had been staring at for the past few hours. "What's up?"

Wesley continued as Lorne, Spike, Gunn, and Fred all became situated on various perches in Angel's office,

"It seems that a Fox-Maiden has taken up residence in a Santa Clarita retreat, and is wreaking some considerable havoc."

"A Fox-Maiden, huh?" Angel perked up with considerable interest as he leaned forward in his seat. "A shapeshifting seductress."

Fred tilted her head. "You know of them?"

"Only by reputation. Pretty gruesome killing methods." He looked back at Wesley.

"I thought they were indigenous to Japan?"

"They are. Though obviously some stumble upon foreign soil from time to time. It might have been awhile before we even heard about _this_ one if it weren't for this arriving today..." He plopped a large manila envelope on Angel's desk, which Angel opened.

He slid out two paper items; one a crisp white page with a Wolfram and Hart letterhead, and the other a withered and worn scrap of a paper-like material that smelled and felt of age.

Glancing at the etchings scratched on the older product, Angel lifted his eyebrows and studied the others. "This is in Dutch?"

"Presumably." Wesley indicated for him to read the newer sheet of paper with the firm letterhead, and Angel suddenly realized_ that_ page exhibited English handwriting in an elegant cursive.

_Angel- _

_Greetings. Since we are men of some importance and our time is precious, I'll make this brief..._

_As you may or may not be aware, there is a Fox-Maiden terrorizing the inhabitants of the Santa Clarita "Couples Retreat" of Red Heart, which is located not far from your Los Angeles. I would not be surprised if this has yet to reach your ears, for the employees are going to considerable lengths to keep business lucrative as always. It is due to a timely coincidence that an employee in my charge managed to find out about this situation at all._

_I am bringing this to your attention however, to prove that those in our firm are not all corrupted by corporate greed... and that despite reputation, some of us are in fact men of honor._

_And that in the hopes that one day you will find yourself in a position to repay the favor, as it were._

_Enclosed you will find the means to make defeating this foe a little more straightforward._

_Best of Everything,_

_Cornelis Visser_

_Wolfram and Hart C.E.O, Netherlands_

Angel finished reading and looked skeptically at the others. "Is this guy for real?"

Gunn shrugged with one shoulder. "Seems like it, man."

Lorne spoke up for the first time as well, "Yeah Angelcakes, don't sell the guy short just because he's a Toady for Evil. Even Javert came to his senses in the end."

Angel gave Lorne a look. "Javert killed himself."

Lorne brightened considerably. "Why sweetie, I didn't know you knew the theatre. I'm touched."

Ignoring him, Angel turned his attention back to the papers in his hand as he stood and rounded his desk to stand with the others.

"But how do we know that we can even trust this guy?"

"You don't. Not really.... But he included an incredible rock that I'm planning on hocking as soon as I leave this room."

Angel looked back up to see Spike admiring his right hand, which was now sporting a gold ring with a large blood-red stone that looked suspiciously like a ruby.

Angel frowned in confusion. "Why?"

"Who cares?" Spike intoned with feeling as he waggled his fingers to make the gem sparkle.

Angel placed the letter from Visser back on his desk as he held the delicate older scrap up to the light.

"Do you know Dutch?" He heard Fred ask.

"I know how to read it, but I've gotten rusty as to the translations." He lowered the scrap and studied it closely, a pensive furrow on his brow.

"_Hij die dit juweel tegen het meisje draagt moet vechten, slechts wanneer de taak wordt gedaan zullen de dingen net geplaatst worden._"

He waited a beat out of curiosity....

Waited more.....

Nothing happened.

"Well, that was pointless." A strange female voice breathed.

Confused (_I didn't hear the door open...)_, Angel looked up to regard the figure and dropped the scrap with a violent jolt.

Where Spike had been standing amongst the other five, a strange woman now stood.

The others stared at her with huge eyes.

She stared back with even larger eyes.

The eyes widened even further as a hand flew to her throat. Upon resting there for a brief second, the hand eventually slid down to cup her apparent right breast as her other hand rose to grab her left.

Holding herself in such a manner, the woman slowly lowered her gaze inch-by-inch until she was staring at the female endowments she still clutched.

"Oh, bollocks." She said with passion.

----------

Yes, she/he's who you think it is! Much wackiness ensues!! ;-) I have a strong idea as to where I want to take this, but first I need feedback to find out if people are even interested in reading more. So please RR, it gives me inspiration! :-D 

(And to answer the question probably in some readers' minds: I don't know if this'll turn Slash. Probably depends on the type of feedback I get!

I'm a feedback whore, first of my kind. This is not news to me.)


	2. Unexpected Developments

Thanks so much for reviewing, my lovelies! I'll try and keep future chapters coming whenever I have chances to update. :)

**Title:** Not Myself  
  
**Author: **BAS1630 (a.k.a Rachel)  
  
**Pairing: **None as yet. Main character is going to be Spike.  
  
**Rating: **Hmmmm.... I always suck at guessing this... My guess would be  
anything from PG-13 to R. I doubt very much that it'll be NC-17, since  
there's no graphic sex going to be depicted (sowwy).  
  
**Category:** Humor, Hopefully Action later on... maybe even Romance....?? ;-)  
  
**Word Count:** 917  
  
**Completed:** No, WIP.  
  
**Feedback: **Yes, please!!!! However, please RR but be somewhat gentle. As I read somewhere once, flames will be used to toast my stash of smores. :)  
  
**Warnings: **Um, spoilers for early Season 5 Angel, I guess.

**Summary:** It's obviously AU, so if the characters seem a tad OOC...  
that's my excuse! :) Not Myself By Rachel 

Fred tapped gently on the bathroom door once more.

"Spike, come out please?"

She had repeated this mantra so many times since Spike had locked himself in there, Angel eventually lost count.

Once the gravity of the situation had hit him.... Or her.... the individual in question had emitted a strangled noise and flew through the doors dividing Angel's office to his private apartments, barricading herself in Angel's bathroom.

Where they continued to stay, and had yet to emerge. 

"No." Came the muffled yet still resolute response.

"Listen, we have to figure out why this happened. And if maybe you're even still a vampire. You might be a human..." She seemed about to add 'woman' to the end of her sentence, but appeared to think better of it.

"I'm not." The voice unmistakably still had its Cockney twinge, but was undeniably female.

"How do you know?"

A pause.

"No reflection."

Fred sighed and leaned more fully against the door. Looking at the three men surrounding her, she gave them a look that clearly said _help me. _

Angel sighed and stepped closer to the door.

"Spike, the sooner we figure out what's happened, the sooner we'll be able to reverse it. So act like a.... just grow up and get out here."

The door flew open (which made Fred fall back with a startled yelp), and a petite blonde tornado launched itself at Angel without warning, pushing at him with tiny fists.

"You..... you **pillock**! _You_ did this to me!! Never using that thick Cro-Magnon head of yours! What were you _thinking_, reading that thing?! I always knew you were a tosser, but this is too much!" She ended with a shrill shriek and a final shove to accentuate her words.

Fred simply gaped at the figure during her tirade, her hands unconsciously raised to her mouth as she studied the other woman.

"Oh, Spike!" she managed, unable to help herself.

The figure whirled on her, "What?!"

"You're so........ pretty!"

Angel found himself also goggling the individual, and not due to the surprise assault.

Fred was right.... Angel hadn't had a chance to really take note of the figure's appearance at the initial shock of her entrance, but she was indeed quite pretty.

In fact, Angel would go so far as to say that Spike was _beautiful_.

The hair hadn't maintained its color or texture.... now it was more of a dirty blonde tint of platinum rather than pure, and had lengthened to cascade over the woman's delicate shoulders in slight curly tendrils.

The face had changed considerably as well: the mouth (which was currently pulled up into a snarl) was now less crude and more shapely construct into a Cupid's Bow.

The eyebrows had also changed shape, and were now shapely upside-down 'V' arches, yet the left one still maintained its trademark scar.

The cheekbones were one of the most prominent features of the face, and had sharpened somewhat to the point where they might have been able to cut paper with. Had they been any more defined, the effect might have made the face appear somewhat gaunt.

The only facial feature that remained unchanged were the blue eyes, which were blazing with fury.

And the slim and lithe body was still draped with Spike's (now incredibly oversized) trademark ensemble of black T and jeans, but had an unmistakable womanly shape...

... Angel was trying his best not to notice the body.

In short, the woman bore enough resemblance to Spike to be disconcerting... such as that of a female relative.

But for the most part, traits of Spike with a 'Y' chromosome had left the building.

The woman had turned slightly away from Angel to face Fred, whose last comment seemed to make a rush of color flood to her cheeks. Wordlessly, she turned heel and marched smartly back into the bathroom, shutting the door once more with a considerable _slam_.

As that door closed the entrance to Angel's quarters opened, and as he made his way towards them Wesley nodded towards Spike's current sanctuary.

"How is he?"

"Still the ray of sunshine he was when you left." Angel rubbed the bridge of his nose as he regarded Wesley. "What did they say?"

Wesley sighed and ran his hands through his hair as he sat next to Lorne and Gunn on the king-sized bed.

"Not much, they were irritatingly cryptic. Just that they couldn't reveal the purpose of the spell or the ring or else it would prove fruitless." Wesley crossed his arms and shrugged. "All they would confirm is that the two serve a purpose and are indeed interconnected."

A metallic _clink_ was heard within the confines of the bathroom. Angel realized that the person behind the door had ripped off the mentioned ring on their now-more-slender finger and had chucked it across the bathroom tiles.

"Did it work?" Angel called.

The door opened a crack to reveal a still more-than-girlish face.

"What do _you_ think?" She hissed before once again slamming the door.

Lorne rose from the bed and rhythmically rapped on the door.

"Spike sugar, you have to come out sooner or later."

"Why?"

"Well, for one you're going to need a change of clothes at some point. What you have on is about 4 sizes too big for you right now."

Suddenly the sound of running water was heard, which caused those outside to look at eachother in confusion.

"I think he's trying to drown himself." Gunn supplied helpfully.


	3. Making Plans

I'm so overwhelmed by all the replies this story has received! People seem genuinely curious as to where this is going to go, no? ;-)

I actually do have the story complete in my head... it's just the matter of getting all those chunks of dialogue/situations and connecting them all in writing (I have about 10 pages so far of scene snippets and ideas... you fanfic writers know what I mean). I think the next post won't be for a bit, because I suspect it's going to be somewhat longer (Plus the start of school for me... pleh).

So please bear with me my lovelies as well as continuing to RR... I'm reading and taking note of all of your comments, and your feedback keeps me going! :)

**Title:** Not Myself  
  
**Author: **BAS1630 (a.k.a Rachel)  
  
**Pairing: **None as yet. Main character is going to be Spike.  
  
**Rating: **Hmmmm.... I always suck at guessing this... My guess would be  
anything from PG-13 to R. I doubt very much that it'll be NC-17, since  
there's no graphic sex going to be depicted (sowwy).  
  
**Category:** Humor, Hopefully Action later on... maybe even Romance....?? ;-)  
  
**Word Count:** 2,240  
  
**Completed:** No, WIP.  
  
**Feedback: **Yes, please!!!! However, please RR but be somewhat gentle. As I read somewhere once, flames will be used to toast my stash of smores. :)  
  
**Warnings: **Um, spoilers for early Season 5 Angel, I guess.

**Summary:** It's obviously AU, so if the characters seem a tad OOC...  
that's my excuse! :) 

**Notes:** I'm going to do my best to refer to a Spike as a female from here on out in the narraration, since that's what _she_ is. :)

* * *

After awhile the group had reformed in Angel's office. Spike was still reluctant to emerge from her hideaway, so the others had opted to give her space. 

Since Spike had also adamantly refused to shop for suitable clothing, Fred had volunteered to perform the chore on her behalf. "My guess is that he's either a Size 1 or 2..... and a B or maybe even a C-cup."

Angel had stared at her as she waved her last comment away. "That was probably more information than you needed to know." She had said apologetically before leaving.

As the others conversed in Fred's absence, it was a few minutes before the doors to Angel's apartments opened. Spike shuffled in with steel-toe boots that resembled clown shoes on the current (presumably fairly small) feet, a hand placed seemingly casual on her hip that Angel suspected was for the purpose of helping to hold up her pants rather than for swagger.

The woman surveyed the men, evidently daring any of them to say something.

But before anyone did, the door to the outer halls opened and Harmony entered.

She stepped lightly across the room to Angel and handed him a thick packet of bounded papers.

"Here's Tyler's report, boss. Evidently Ydolem blood stains come out of Armani better than I would think."

"Thank you Harmony."

Nodding she began to sashay away, but in passing Spike she did a double-take and took a step back.

"Do I know you?"

"No." Spike growled.

Harmony evidently took no note of the malice in Spike's tone (or even seemed to notice the fact that the strange female was wearing her ex-lover's clothing), and gave a half-hearted shrug.

"Huh. Weird."

She walked back across the room and paused next to Lorne near the door. Glancing back at Spike, she leaned in and whispered confidentially, "I didn't think I could say this about a chick.... But _yum_." And with that she stepped out and closed the door behind her.

Angel shook his head. He knew Harmony was about as sharp as cotton, but he had to admit that he was somewhat surprised that her vampire senses didn't recognize Spike purely by smell. Angel knew Spike's scent (as he had told Buffy not long ago), and the female currently standing in front of him smelled close enough to the old Spike to get Angel's attention. Yet it _was_ different somehow... like Spike's scent was being somehow camouflaged with new ones. However, any idiot with vampire senses would have noticed the similarities.

_Or at least, so I thought. _Angel mused as he watched Harmony through his windows to the hallway beyond.

The sound of Wesley's voice brought Angel out of his musings. "Angel, while it's occurring to me I think I'd like to try and decipher that Dutch."

"Sure, Wes." Angel reached behind him on his desk to put down Tyler's report and picked up Visser's envelope from where he had dropped it previously. Reaching inside it Angel felt around and frowned, and then opened it up more fully to look inside.

The others stepped in closer around him and peered into the envelope as well, which revealed Visser's hand-written letter...

... and what was now a pile of black ashes.

Spike peered into the envelope with them and nodded at the sight.

"Yep. Seems about right." She verified.

* * *

Angel parked in front of the Hyperion Hotel and felt himself studying the dimly lit building as everyone else began to file out of the convertible. He wasn't sure if he'd ever want to see this place again, but Lorne was right in suggesting it. It was still abandoned and they could move about more freely, and their actions would go unmonitored for sure. 

So after calling Fred on her cell to let her know where they would meet up (and that a translation of the spell did not seem to be in the works), their old headquarters was where they arrived.

He only hoped that they didn't stay too long... for Angel, the Hotel held too many memories of Cordelia.

Angel didn't think much of the two men walking on the sidewalk as he turned briefly to collect his duster, but when he faced the hotel once more he realized that Spike was attacking the stranger closest to her.

With the man facing the opposite direction of her, she had grabbed his left arm and twisted it behind his back single-handedly with such momentum that caused the man to somersault ass-over-teakettle onto his back and flat on the pavement, the wind obviously knocked out of him.

Angel found himself gazing at the scene before him in stunned silence. He had known that Spike still had vampire strength, but seeing such a petite blonde dispatch a man easily five times her size- without so much as breaking a sweat- reminded him uncomfortably of...

...someone.

Spike had rounded on the splayed individual and seemed intent on inflicting more damage. "Don't. Touch. Me. EVER." She grounded out before Gunn grabbed ahold of her by the arms and proceeded to propel her towards the hotel.

Angel looked at Wesley, whose eyes seemed to twinkle with barely-controlled merriment. "They touched him." He confirmed.

Lorne very obviously smirked and took care in stepping over the individual still gasping for air. When passing the victim's companion- who was still staring at Spike's retreating form with wide-eyed shock- he gave him a quick pat.

"Sorry gents. That time of the month, you know?"

* * *

The flash of a Polaroid camera brightened the room without warning, and Spike glared daggers at Gunn. 

Holding up his hands somewhat in mock defense, Gunn handed the undeveloped print over to her. "Strictly for your benefit, man."

Spike gawked at the image with an open mouth as it appeared. "Well, aren't I a sweet piece if ever there was." She commented appreciatively.

"And oh so modest as well." Wesley dripped.

"I'm not kidding. If I saw myself walking down the street and I still had my male bits, I'd do me right nice."

Gunn snatched the photo away. "Okay, you've looked. Now it's getting creepy."

Suddenly Fred's voice cut through the air. "Spike, I'm here!" she called as Lorne guided her into the Hyperion room they were all currently clustered in. Both her arms were heavily adorned with shopping bags from very established retail stores not known for their cheapness.

Angel blinked at her. "Not on a budget, are we?"

Fred smiled. "Well, the first place I tried giving my card to saw I worked for Wolfram and Hart and gave me everything free of charge, and that gave me an idea. So after that I walked into stores and just mentioned your name and where I worked. Everytime they practically shoved the stuff at me! Everything was free."

She threw the bags on the bed. "I got some pretty cute stuff, too."

Spike buried her face in her hands and mumbled something that sounded like, "Let me die. _Please_ let me die."

"Oh, it's not that bad." Fred grinned as she ruffled Spike's hair distractedly. The look Spike gave her made Angel suspect that had anyone but Fred attempt such a playful thing in her current mood- Spike would've played marbles with their eyeballs.

But Fred continued to not heed Spike's glare as she searched for something in one of the larger bags. "I figured you wouldn't want to stand out, so for the most part I stuck with casual basic black..... (she slapped Lorne's curious hand away from one of the smaller bags. "Don't look in that one." She interrupted herself.).... I couldn't help myself with a few things though. Isn't this too cute?"

She withdrew a long formal red dress, which appeared to be slitted to mid thigh. Upon closer inspection Angel saw that it would have been backless if not for a sparkly mesh that crisscrossed on the back in the shape of a butterfly.

"Hot." Gunn said indifferently, the corner of his mouth twitching.

Spike emitted a choking noise and threw herself back on the room's bed, evidently trying to disprove the vampire myth of breathing by attempting to smother herself with a pillow.

Unaffected by her reaction, Fred gently placed the dress down and grabbed Spike's left sock-clad heel to examine it. "Good... you're about a size 6 like me, just as I suspected. Luckily I thought ahead and didn't hit the footwear outlets- I just stopped real quick at my place to get a few pairs." She indicated one of the bags.

"Joy." Came Spike's muffled response.

"What Spike meant to say, was 'thank you, Fred.'"

She tucked her hair back as she grinned up at Wesley. "Not a problem. Actually, it was kinda fun. I like dressing up my girlfriends."

Spike blindly reached out and added a second pillow to the first.

Angel however was still staring at the red dress. "Uh... Fred? Why exactly would making calls and tracking leads require formal wear?"

"Oh. Well, I wasn't quite sure what the place is like or what the dress code is... but I figured that while your guys were there they'd more than likely have a ball, or at least a fancy dinner of some sort."

Angel looked at her as if she had just said that babies were actually quite tasty once salted and with a proper sauce.

Upon seeing Angel's expression Fred's eyes widened, and her gaze shifted to the one Pylean and two human males. "Didn't you guys talk to them?"

Wesley sighed and shifted his weight uncomfortably. "I had hoped that it would have been self-evident." He murmured as the other two gave signs of agreement.

Angel felt an inexplicable sense of foreboding at their rapid change in demeanor. Even Spike had slowly lowered the pillows of death and had peered suspiciously over them at the humans.

Fred turned back to the two vamps and nervously fidgeted.

"Angel, it's obvious that this happened because the of the Fox-Maiden." Addressing Spike as well she added, "We don't know why... but evidently this branch of the firm thought that the key to defeating it was by changing the shape of the one who was wearing the ring in the first place. Maybe it has something to do with the Fox-Maiden being a shapeshifter too... I don't know."

Seemingly at a loss she looked to Wesley for aide, and he stepped forward and handed Angel the letter from Visser once more, which he had folded and placed in his back pocket. "And they may have been quite right in their tactics. It seems that this current situation, however distasteful to Spike, has opened up a window of opportunity for your infiltrating Red Heart undetected- so as not to raise suspicion or alarm."

Still confused as to what Fred and Wes were saying, Angel unfolded the letter and reread the wording for a clue to what his friends were thinking.

Then it hit him. The two words.

_Couples Retreat._

He felt his head snap up against his will. "You've got to be kidding me."

Suddenly he realized Spike had risen from the bed to read over his shoulder and was now gawking at the others with eyes as huge as saucers. "You're all unhinged... gone off the deep end, you have." She said in a voice filled with awe and wonder.

"Spike, think about it," Gunn began to interject. He picked up and waved a file that had previously been propped against a chair.

"I had someone hack into Clarita's morgue records before we left the office. This thing has killed eight people already. If we just show up in flank formation, what do you think is going to happen? A whole crew of armed-to-the-teeth units... red flag. All the CEO's innermost circle disappearing for a few days to a place for pairing up, and only one of them female? Red flag again... units roll in... same problem. "

"Gunn's right, Cupcake." Lorne piped up for the first time in the discussion. "And as for here, Angel vanishing for a few days isn't a lot to get the potentially-evil-Lawyer-kiddos attention... he has a habit of doing that, as we all know... especially if we stay to hold down the fort." Seemingly as an afterthought he added, "And as much as they undoubtedly love _you_ hun, I sincerely doubt your absence would bring the place crashing to its knees."

Angel shook his head emphatically and raised his hands. "Whoa. Say I'd even be willing to go through with this... (he ignored Spike's sputterings of disbelief and continued)... you're talking about two vampires. I think it would be highly suspicious for a man and a woman to go together to one of these couple things and never emerge during the light of day and okay I'm just going to stop right there." He ended in a rush in an attempt to avoid some smirks.

"Seriously though, give me one good reason why I would even hypothetically do this."

"Because Angelcakes, you're not a sick and sadistic megalomaniacal bastard that enjoys hearing about the slow and agonizing deaths of innocents. At least not this week."

Angel inwardly flinched at Lorne's words, yet knew they were true.

"And why should _I_ do it?" Spike oozed.

"Because to make this plan work we need one man and one woman." Gunn smirked. "Guess which part you're gonna play."

"Oi Charlie, what do you call _that_?!" Spike pointed at Fred in an accusing manner.

Fred flailed her arms in seeming exasperation. "_I'm _not the one under a spell here. And you should want to be headed to this place more then anyone, Spike. The way it looks, the only way to get you back the way you were is probably going to be to help kill this thing. So far it doesn't look like there's any other options open for you- if you enjoy having a penis, that is." She finished in a borderline snappish tone.

At Fred's words Wesley had turned away from them all as if to cough, but it did nothing to hide the unmistakable shaking of his shoulders.

Spike's eyes frantically searched the room, and Angel suspected it was for something wooden and pointy to impale herself on. But after a moment she ran her hands through her hair and resignedly uttered a stream of restrained but impressive cursing.

She didn't look at him, but Angel knew she had come to grips with the undeniable truth the others spoke of as he had.

It seemed they were headed for Santa Clarita.


	4. Road Trip

Instead of doing one big chapter every month or so, I've decided to try and post a chapter snippet whenever possible. Hopefully this means I can write more as it occurs to me.

I'm still reading and loving your reviews, as well as noting the things you all are mentioning.

Much loff to all, and I hope this next segment is to your liking! :)

**Title:** Not Myself  
  
**Author: **BAS1630 (a.k.a Rachel)  
  
**Pairing: **None as yet. Main character is going to be Spike.  
  
**Rating: **Hmmmm.... I always suck at guessing this... My guess would be  
anything from PG-13 to R. I doubt very much that it'll be NC-17, since  
there's no graphic sex going to be depicted (sowwy).  
  
**Category:** Humor, Hopefully Action later on... maybe even Romance....?? ;-)  
  
**Completed:** No, WIP.  
  
**Feedback: **Yes, please!!!! However, please RR but be somewhat gentle. As I read somewhere once, flames will be used to toast my stash of smores. :)  
  
**Warnings: **Um, spoilers for early Season 5 Angel, I guess.

**Summary:** It's obviously AU, so if the characters seem a tad OOC...  
that's my excuse! :) 

**Notes:** I collect quotes like a pack rat, so if you think you might recognize something... you just might. ;) The majority of it is really mine though... I swear!!

* * *

"Rachel?"

"Do I look like a bleedin' sitcom harlot?"

Fred looked her over. "Well..." she mused.

At Spike's look she hurriedly buried herself back into the name book she was presently perusing.

"Sarah?"

Spike appeared to think about it for a moment. "No. Only Sarahs I've known have been right bitches."

"Then I think we've found it," Angel quipped.

The woman currently practicing walking with heels in the Hyperion lobby rewarded him with a dazzling smile and an obscene gesture.

"What about if you spelled it S-A-R-A? I know for a fact that some of them are nice."

"No."

"Kim?"

"No."

"How about Kimbrelle? That's more exotic-sounding."

"It's still Kim, innit?"

"Erin?"

"No."

"Canon?"

"I don't think so."

"Carissa?"

"No."

"Bridget?" Angel suggested for once.

Spike tossed him a look of disdain in mid-step. "Not a chance, you Mick."

"Charisse?" Fred continued.

"Will you stop going through the bleedin' Cs already?"

She flipped around more. "Katie?"

"Not going to happen."

"Diana?"

"God, no."

Angel sighed and crossed his arms. Having Spike agree to an alias was proving to be an even fiercer battle then getting her to leave the bathroom.

And then it hit him.

Angel's head shot up. "Billie." He stated.

Everyone looked at him curiously, but Fred flipped through the book in her lap.

"It's here. Billie can be a name for women despite it being derived from William. It means strength and determination."

She looked at Spike hopefully. "English." She baited.

Spike gave a half shrug as she put her arms out to help balance another turn. Clearly she wasn't necessarily pleased as to the individual who had thought of it. "S'alright, I suppoOO..."

Having turned on her heel too fast for her legs to follow, she had inadvertently twisted one too much in front of the other, and was proceeding to tumble face-first to the ground.

Out of instinct Angel darted forward, and caught her before she hit the floor.

She steadied herself for a moment with Angel's shoulders and pushed him away roughly as she stood and regained her balance. All the while she muttered a stream of oaths that Angel detected were half directed at him, and half at the sick sadist who had invented heels.

"I think I've seen this movie." Lorne whispered to Wesley, but not low enough to be undetected by vamp hearing. Spike shot daggers at the two of them and Gunn on the Lobby's circular couch.

"I know why she's here," Spike indicated Fred. "And he's here because he's a twisted git who exists merely to get his rocks off by watching me suffer." She indicated Angel.

"But don't you all have a better place to be?"

"No." The three chorused.

"Fantastic." She sneered. "The only thing missing for you wankers is the popcorn."

"Oh no, we've got that covered." Gunn produced and waved a small packet that had been tucked away in his briefcase.

Spike glared at him through slitted eyes before flailing her arms slightly as she swayed dangerously. Angel started to take a step forward, but decided against it as she cast him an come-any-closer-and-I'll-play-hackey-sack-with-your-spleen look.

"You're getting much better at that." Fred tried an encouraging tone.

"Fabulous. Just what any ex master-vampire longs to hear. He's mastered women's footwear."

Spike sighed and gingerly walked to a stool and sat down. Dressed semi-conservatively in a black tank top and sweats, she took off Fred's heels and tossed them into the awaiting bag on the counter with audible disdain.

"Why you girls go to such extremes to torment your bodies is beyond me." Her eyes gave off a wicked gleam. "Then where's the fun it in for us blokes?"

"Alright, Spike." Angel ignored her. "As much as I dread saying it, since we've dealt with the last couple of..." he glanced at the bag of heels "...details, I think we better get going."

Spike tightened her ponytail (which previously had been the subject of an intense debate between Spike and Fred. Spike had wanted to shave all the long locks off, but Fred had adamantly insisted that they would attract less attention with the hair untouched. A ponytail was the eventual compromise) and sighed as she pulled on regular walking shoes.

"Alright," She replied, surprisingly upbeat as she hopped off the stool. "Let's get this bitch over with."

"Ever the romantic." Angel felt himself sneer.

* * *

"_The lessons that you taught me, I learned were never true. Now I find myself in question...(They point the finger at me again)...Guilty by association...(You point the finger at me again)..."_

_  
"...but she'd be a whole lot prettier, if she smiled once in a while...'cause even her smile looks like a frown. She's seen her share of devils in this angel town..."_

"..._I wanna run away, never say goodbye. I wanna know the truth, instead of wondering why. I wanna know the answers... no more lies..."  
_

"..._Everything's gonna be all right. Rockabye, rockabye. Everything's gonna be all right, rockabye..."_

"..._Never say goooodddddbbbbyyyyyeeeee!"_

Angel reached forward and flicked the radio off. "That's enough." Even if Spike wouldn't let him listen to the type of music he enjoyed, he still wasn't going to let her win the radio war by listening to what she insisted passed for music.

Especially if it was going to be another hour before they hit Santa Clarita.

She glared at him. "I like it."

"Really not caring. Plus it's just screaming. Had enough of that in my lifetime."

"It's only Linkin Park, you ponce." She snorted. "You wouldn't know hardcore if it bit you on your fat arse, Ms. Dainty. Which would also be considered such, as if you would know... eunuch."

"Keep talking Spike, and I just might change my mind about helping to get you back." In an uncharacteristic mood he wiggled the convertible's steering wheel to cause the car to swerve as if bracing for a U-turn to help make his point.

Seemingly unphased, she attempted to polish her nails against herself and held out a hand to admire them as if she had accomplished something in the pointless act. Through the corner of his vision he watched her tilt her head and grin.

"You would like that, wouldn't you?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I've seen the way you've been looking at me, Angel. At the office. At the hotel. Now."

She smirked and peered at him sideways. "You think I'm hot."

Angel whirled and faced her, not paying attention and nearly ramming the Ford Focus in front of them.

"What? You're insane. That's... what?!"

"Yeah. You said that already." She preened triumphantly as she made a show of crossing her legs, which were now clad in a snugger denim.

"You're disgusting."

"Maybe, but either way I float your boat. I wager you've had several fantasies already of taking this hot and tight body and shagging it rotten."

Angel could have sworn he felt the bile rise as he shook his head emphatically to chase out the images that had been placed there. "Ugh." Was all he could manage to gag.

"Oh please, Angel. I know you better than you know yourself."

"Is that a fact?" Angel asked dryly.

"It is. I'm always two steps ahead of where your mind goes. And trust me, as of late it's been in some very nasty and dirty places."

"No, it really hasn't. And no, you really don't." Angel nearly spat.

"Oh, yes it has and yes... I am. In fact, I know what you're thinking right now."

Angel remained silent, but Spike rambled on in a borderline gleeful manner.

"You're thinking: '_he thinks he knows me, huh? We'll just see about that.'_"

Angel continued his silence, but the compulsive scratching at his neck indicated he was more than likely still listening.

Spike continued, "Now you're thinking: _Oh wait, I haven't thought of anything new yet. Oh God, I can't let on that he knows me, think of something think of something think of **anything** that Spike wouldn't suspect me thinking! I can't prove the fact that he knows me too damn bloody well!'"_

The silence remained, and Angel quit scratching at his neck and slouched in his seat.

Spike gave a toothy and knowing smile. "Just admit it, mate."

"Okay, fine!" Angel snapped. "Your bo... this form you have isn't terrible to look at. But that doesn't mean that I've been thinking what you're saying I've been thinking. Just because you've known me for over a century, don't presume that means you know me!"

Spike threw her head back and gave an abrupt but powerful laugh in a way that reminded Angel uncomfortably of her male form.

"Cor, you're a twisted one ain't you? You're so bleeding confused, it's almost enough to make me feel sorry for you. Almost."

"Like you're one to talk." Angel sneered. He gave a pointed look at Spike's new ensemble- which included a different tank top that was red, low-rising, and left little to the imagination. "If anything you **want** me to think that way. You're dressed like a common streetwalker."

"That's whore, grandpa. And I may be a great many things, but common ain't one of them. Anyway, you're just jealous that I still know who I am- even when I'm in the wrong skin. Plus... it was your little brainy bird that suggested I dress like this in the first place."

If Angel had any dignity left, he probably would have let his jaw drop.

"_Fred_?_ My _Fred suggested that you dress like that?"

"One, she's not yours, and two, yup. Said that with my looks it be more convincing if I dressed more... _provocatively."_

She dragged out and rolled the last word, and Angel felt himself grinding his teeth with the thought that it was merely to annoy him. It worked.

"Well, it's not believable. Nobody's going to believe that I let my wife dress like a tramp. You're not dressing like that while we're at this place."

"Whatever you say, Fuehrer. Oh wait... no...We're not really married, I've never listened to you before, and I'm not about to start now just because I don't have balls." She shifted uncomfortably at her poor word choice. "You know what I mean."

After a moment she realized that Angel was studying her intently, as if trying to remember something.

"What?" She said.

"That hair thing."

Spike brought her hands up to check her super-tight bun, which was stilly securely fastened.

"What of it?"

"You copied it from Buffy, didn't you?" Angel smirked.

"No." This time it was Spike's turn to slouch.

"Yes, you did."

"Did not. Shut up."

"Did too."

"Get stuffed."

"You're a freak."

"You want me."

"Okay, I think that's enough conversation."

Angel flicked the radio and turned it to his Easy Listening station, knowing full well that Spike was seconds away from ticking it back to the Punk Rock. 

"_After two days in the desert sun, my skin began to turn red. After three days in the desert fun..."  
_

"..._I don't want to think...don't make me care. I wanna melt in with the group, I need the balls..."  
_

"..._you see I've been through the desert on a horse with no name, it felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert you can remember your name...'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La, la..."  
_

"..._DRUG ME DRUG ME DRUG ME DRUG ME DRUG ME..." _

"..._La la la la la la la la la la la..."_


	5. Intermission

This is so short that's it's more of a drabble rather than a chapter update, but this week is flying by so crazy-like that I wanted to post a teeny-tiny something at the very least.

Hopefully you'll find this itty bitty interlude somewhat amusing and will chuckle a bit! :)

**Title:** Not Myself  
  
**Author: **BAS1630 (a.k.a Rachel)  
  
**Pairing: **None as yet. Main character is going to be Spike.  
  
**Rating: **Hmmmm.... I always suck at guessing this... My guess would be  
anything from PG-13 to R. I doubt very much that it'll be NC-17, since  
there's no graphic sex going to be depicted (sowwy).  
  
**Category:** Humor, Hopefully Action later on... maybe even Romance....?? ;-)  
  
**Completed:** No, WIP.  
  
**Feedback: **Yes, please!!!! However, please RR but be somewhat gentle. As I read somewhere once, flames will be used to toast my stash of smores. :)  
  
**Warnings: **Um, spoilers for early Season 5 Angel, I guess.

**Summary:** It's obviously AU, so if the characters seem a tad OOC...  
that's my excuse! :) 

**Notes:** I collect quotes like a pack rat, so if you think you might recognize something... you just might. :) The majority of it is really mine though... I swear!!

* * *

"Pull over." 

Angel eyed the gas station they were fast approaching, the only sign of civilization on the narrow stretch of highway.

"We don't need gas. We're almost there."

"I'm out of fags."

Angel gave her a curious look until he remembered the British term for 'cigarettes'.

"Can't you wait?"

"'Course I can. But that means that I'll have to spend the time putting my mouth to other various uses. Such as pursing my desirable lips while discussing just how_ badly_ you want to..."

Angel hurriedly pulled in to the station and parked.

Spike leaned over and held out her hand.

"Give me money."

"You've got money."

"I want _your_ money."

Without comment Angel reached into his pocket and thrust a wad of cash into the awaiting hand, desperate to make the excursion to hell as quick as possible.

"Make it quick." Angel breathed at Spike's back as she exited the car and slipped through the glass doors.

Angel leaned back and waited...

...and waited...

... and waited.

After glancing at the time Angel growled and stepped out the car.

"Bitch," he hissed as he slammed the door and marched through the gas station doors, making the bell jingle angrily.

He marched up and down the surprisingly numerous aisles, fully intent on finding Spike and dragging her out caveman-style so that they could get back on the road.

But upon the third aisle instead of finding himself face-to-face with an irritating blonde, he...quite literally... bumped into a petite brunette.

"Excuse me," he said as he reached out a hand to steady her.

"Hey, that's okay." She straightened her shirt. "I should have been looking where I was going."

She followed the line of Angel's body to his face and smiled. "Then again..."

Angel felt himself returning the smile despite himself. It wasn't like him to flirt... he wasn't even sure he even really knew how.

But hey... she was pretty cute.

He stuffed his left hand back into his overcoat to hide the prop wedding ring Lorne had obtained from one of the firm's clients in the jewelry industry.

Of course Spike had picked the gaudiest one for hers (the troublemaking ruby ring being studied back at Fred's lab), and both rings were real at Lorne's behest. Angel hadn't really seen the point, but Lorne had insisted that real wedding bands were needed as a finishing touch for the appearance of a true married couple.

Angel was trying to remember if he had pissed off the demon in any way.

"Er, hi." Angel articulated to the attractive woman shifting her weight flirtatiously before him.

"Hi. What's your name?"

"Angel. Yours?"

"Angel- cool name. Mine's Courtney." She stuck out her hand, which Angel accepted with his right.

"Ummmm.... Where are you from?" Angel lamely searched for an opener as he detected a slight accent.

"Ohio. Cross-countrying it with some friends at the moment. How about you?"

Before Angel could even respond, Spike appeared out of nowhere and was standing at the woman's shoulder in a flash.

Following Angel's line of vision Courtney started slightly as she sighted Spike standing not a foot behind her.

"Oh! Hello."

"Uh huh." Spike leered at her. "Listen girly, you should know that's my deceitful and misleading husband you're so shamelessly throwing yourself at," She flashed her hand to display the massive sparkling rock. "And if you don't leave right now I swear we'll have sex right through you."

Clearly thrown, Courtney began to backpedal her steps before casting Angel a look of lingering disgust and dashing out of the aisle.

Spike watched her exit with apparent interest and turned back to Angel with more than a hint of a grin. "There was no part that wasn't fun." She said with obvious glee.

Angel blinked. Then seethed.

"I hate you." He said with more than a trace of conviction.

Spike's eyes welled and clutched at her chest as if wounded.

Angel glowered at her. "Let's just get out of here."

"Oh, sweetie." She lightly slapped his face with fake affection. "Don't. be. such. a. sourpuss." She annunciated with each slap.

Angel visualized himself pulling her ribcage out of her throat and was soothed.

"Don't embarrass me like that again." He said at a tone only for vampire hearing as they approached the cashier.

"Got it." Spike replied with an unreadable expression that made Angel wary.

"Two packs of Marlboros." She said to the kid behind the counter.

"We should be rationing our money for what's important."

"You're right." She turned back to the kid. "Make those king-sized cases."

Before Angel could retaliate, Spike had reached underneath the stand and grabbed some items. Placing them on the counter, Angel suddenly realized that they were _'Extra Small and Snug'_ Trojans.

The cashier turned back around to ring up Spike's cigarettes when his eyes fell upon the tiny condoms. He looked briefly at Angel and hurriedly away, his ears reddening.

Angel turned to Spike, death and murder in his eyes.

She rolled her eyes and swept the condoms off of the counter. "Oh, you're right. You'll probably just exhaust yourself in front of your 'Spice Channel' again anyways, like you do most nights."

The cashier told her the total while avoiding Angel's gaze, and Spike paid and accepted the change.

As she took the bag she winked at them.

"Just can't catch a break." She sighed before sashaying out the doors, bells jangling on her exit.


	6. Checking In

So sorry that my chapters are so short and sparse as of late... but I have to keep them that way for fear of not updating frequently enough!

I love the reviews, but not nearly as much as I love all of you!! :)

**Title:** Not Myself  
  
**Author: **BAS1630 (a.k.a Rachel)  
  
**Pairing: **None as yet. Main character is going to be Spike.  
  
**Rating: **Hmmmm.... I always suck at guessing this... My guess would be  
anything from PG-13 to R. I doubt very much that it'll be NC-17, since  
there's no graphic sex going to be depicted (sowwy).  
  
**Category:** Humor, Hopefully Action later on... maybe even Romance....?? ;-)  
  
**Completed:** No, WIP.  
  
**Feedback: **Yes, please!!!! However, please RR but be somewhat gentle. As I read somewhere once, flames will be used to toast my stash of smores. :)  
  
**Warnings: **Um, spoilers for early Season 5 Angel, I guess.

**Summary:** It's obviously AU, so if the characters seem a tad OOC...  
that's my excuse! :) 

**Notes:** I collect quotes like a pack rat, so if you think you might recognize something... you just might. :) The majority of it is really mine though... I swear!!

* * *

_Rap. Rap. Rap. Rap._

Angel closed his eyes and counted to ten.

_Rap. Rap. Rap. Rap. Rappity Rap. _

"Could you not do that?"

Spike raised her eyebrows and lifted her fingers from the desk in the Retreat's lobby.

"Have our panties in a bunch, do we?"

"I wouldn't know. I'm not the one wearing any."

"Neither am I."

"I can't remember... were you actually this disgusting when we met?"

Angel turned his head at the lack of an answer, and caught Spike with her elbow propped on the desk. Her face was cupped in her hand and she was watching a retreating redhead's exit across the room.

Complete with Spike's head tilt it was quite obvious what she found so intriguing about the other girl, and Angel choked down a noise of exasperation.

Angel elbowed Spike hard enough to send her propped elbow skittering.

"What now?" She growled.

"Cut it out," Angel whispered in a tone only for vampire senses. "You're being too obvious. You're going to make someone suspicious."

"Oh, I see!" She snorted and raised her voice a few decibels.

"What's wrong, Angel? Don't want people to know you've turned the tastiest bit in here into an active and raving lesbian?"

A passing couple within earshot slowed their pace and shot the two vampires curious glances.

Angel did his best to laugh as realistically as possible as if he was simply a man whose paramour had just said something incredibly amusing. Seemingly satisfied, the couple once more quickened their pace and hurried on.

Once the humans were out of earshot Angel wiped the false smile from his features and refocused his wrath on Spike.

"Draw attention to us like that again, and I swear that I'll take your tongue and strangle you with it before I rip off your ears and shove them up your..."

"Good evening." Angel's train of thought was broken by the sudden reappearance of the bellhop. "I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, but the individual who usually handles our reservations is... indisposed, at the moment."

"Oh, that's quite alright." Spike squeezed Angel's arm and dug her nails in deep enough to draw blood. "He was just whispering sweet nothings into my ear, is all. Well- my ears were mentioned." She smiled at Angel.

Angel smiled back. _One. Two. Three. Four. _

The bellhop beamed politely at them and turned to his computer monitor. "Well, I'm so sorry for the inconvenience... but I've been looking all through our records with the information you supplied me earlier... and it would appear that you're nowhere to be found within the system. Without a reservation, there's no way that we could accommodate you. Again, my apologies."

Angel inwardly heaved a sigh. _Thank you, Wesley. _

But before Angel could say a word, Spike had her arms folded and had propped nearly half of her body across the counter. She tossed her hair and smiled at the bellhop engagingly.

Angel found himself studying her intently. She wasn't. Was she?

"Oh, I'm sorry about that. I told my husband to take care of it for me months ago, but I'm sure it slipped his... mind. He just isn't good at keeping track of things like some men. What was your name again?"

She _was_. Holy crap.

Angel hid his face from view as he felt the human's body temperature go up a few degrees.

"Derek."

"Derek." She breathed the name as if it were a caress. "I like it. It suits you."

Derek flushed crimson and shrugged.

"So Derek... I'm not asking you to buck against the system that employs you, because that would be wrong. I wouldn't usually ask this of anyone- if it weren't for the fact that we've been traveling for awhile and I'm tired. Is there any way you could help us out so that we don't have to go scouting out other lesser establishments all night?"

She rested her hand on his shoulder, as if with the pretense of straightening his lapel.

"Please, Derek?" She stuck out her lip in a prominent pout.

Derek's face broke into a full-fledged grin as he emitted a schoolboy chuckle, obviously weakened.

Angel cast about to see if there was anything handy nearby to retch in.

Derek ducked his head and peeked up at her in a playful manner.

"Well... I suppose I could ask Mr. Nakamura if there are any unconfirmed cancellations... we usually have one or two."

Spike clasped her hands as if supremely grateful. "Oh Derek, that would be wonderful. You're a prince!"

Derek made a motion as if to wave her praise away and walked off as if treading on clouds.

As soon as he had rounded the corner, Spike turned back to Angel, her lips curled in immense distaste.

"Men are so easy." She spat out in disgust.

Before Angel could even register the rapid change in mood, Spike's eyes had widened to the size of saucers as she gazed passed Angel's shoulder. She gasped so loud that Angel found himself nearly starting in surprise, before he was grabbed forcibly and roughly planted in front of Spike.

"What?" He hissed from his new vantage point of looking out over the lobby's moderately sized crowd.

"Shut up." She hissed back. "They'll see me."

"Who?" Angel searched the faces, but there wasn't one that he recognized. Certainly no one that seemed capable of causing Spike such distress.

Well, knowing Spike maybe it was...

"Just shut up and keep using your massive hulk of a body to keep them from seeing me."She continued breathing as two figures split off from the crowd and approached the desk.


	7. Some of Nothing

**Title:** Not Myself

**Author: **BAS1630 (a.k.a Rachel)

**Notes:** I'm going to finish this, whether it takes 10 years and/or kills me. But with my computer crashing w/ the outline, school, work, friends, family, and other stories popping up on with the exact same theme (I'm not saying I'm the only one to come up with this idea, but some plots that I've come across are just too close for comfort)… I guess I've lost a lot of writing juices.

But despite how much it'll undoubtedly suck, I intend to finish it nonetheless. My apologies to those of you who've been waiting for this for over **SEVEN FREAKIN' MONTHS**. It means so much to me, and I continue this for you guys. I hope you'll at least have one giggle before the eventual end.

Sorry thisone's just a snippet... kinda my writing style now. :)

* * *

Angel frowned and shook Spike off as well as he could, ignoring the wave of semi-audible cursing that washed over him.

If Spike had already recognized an arch nemesis, then that was his… _her _problem.

Angel studied the newcomers with a growing curiosity and interest. He knew that the female was a vampire before the couple came within fifty paces of them. The male (was it male?) on the other hand…. was _Species undeterminable_.

Despite the oddity of their combined appearance however, they didn't seem a threat. In fact, smiling and linked arm-in-arm as such… they were kinda…well, _cute_.

"Hi." The couple strode purposefully towards the desk and the help that had come to replace Derek. "We have a reservation. Name's going to be Clem, with a 'C'."

To Angel's alarm as the Concierge nodded and disappeared from view, the creature turned his red eyes on the L.A. vamps and barred an unsettling set of fangs.

"Newlyweds as well?" He scratched a flap of skin Angel figured must function as ears jutting out from his _John Deere _cap.

Out of the corner of his eye, Angel saw Spike lurch against the counter as if ill. Seizing the opportunity, Angel returned the creature's grin as best as he could.

"Oh no. For us the honeymoon's been over for a **_long_** time."

There was a snort from beside him. "No argument on that, Peaches."

There was an unexpected laugh from the male demon, "Peaches… that's cute. What sorta names do you have for her?"

Angel lifted his brows and gave Spike his most convincing look of false adoration. "Oh… I have _many_ names for her."

Spike returned the look and began scratching her neck violently with her middle finger.

As the male demon continued to chuckle appreciatively, his silent vampire companion was studying Angel intently. "I've seen you somewhere before," She finally said.

"Oh, how rude of me." The demon straightened and threw his arm proudly around the brunette.

"I'm Clem, and this here is my bride, Sheila."

"Congratulations," Angel said somewhat dryly.

"Likewise." Clem gestured towards Spike.

There was a pause.

…

Followed by silence.

…

Which was overcome with quiet.

"Oh… uh…" Angel indicated himself, "Angel, and this my………..wife…………Billie."

"Seriously, don't I know you?" Sheila frowned at Angel.

Angel put on a blank face, which was surprisingly easy. "I don't believe so, no."

After giving Angel one last up-down, she shifted her gaze to Spike.

"You seem really familiar too."

Spike frantically shook her head, though her eyes were as wide as saucers.

Eventually Sheila shrugged. "Whatever."

She turned to Clem and started playing with the buttons on his radioactive Hawaiian shirt. "Can I have some money, lover? Since we passed that place on the way in, I would kill for a nice, hard 'Sex on the Beach'."

"Sheilakins, not in front of perfect strangers!" Clem gave a mock gasp.

Angel and Spike cringed as the other demons giggles like lust-driven teenagers.

Clem leered and handed Sheila some bills suggestively from his front pocket.

"Thanks, babe." She winked and gave him a parting slap on the ass as she walked off.

Clem turned back to Angel and Spike, all grins. "Isn't she great?"

"Terrific." Angel dripped.

"Yeah," Clem watched her exit with interest. "You wouldn't have her pegged for a small-town gal… but…" He cut himself off without warning and turned back to Angel with a new comprehension in his eyes. "Angel- not _the_ Angel?"

Angel arched a brow.

"Gumshoe to the stars, previously hailed from Sunnydale, ex beau of the Slayer…well… the prettiest Slayer, in my opinion?"

"I… suppose that would be me."

Clem emitted a hoot that made a passing maid carrying towels give a start.

He grabbed Angel's fist in his meaty paw and vigorously shook it. "Bro, am I glad to finally get a chance to meet you! We have many a mutual friend in common, ya know."

"We do?"

"Heck, yeah! Well, the Summers Slayer and her crew for one. And… well… I suppose Spike's not so much your friend as a rip-out-your-hamstrings-and-make-a-freaky-trampoline kind of enemy. But your name still came up once or twice."

Angel glanced at Spike through lowered lids. "Oh?"

"Yeah. Freakin' big time poker cheat. Good guy though. Hope he made it out of the crater all right, ya know? But I'm sure he did, though. He and Buffy were so tight when I saw them last, that girl wouldn't have let nothin' happen to him"

Through the corner of his eye Angel saw how impassive Spike had become at the mention of Buffy's name. When he turned to regard her more full however, she quickly rearranged her features into a smirking and triumphant smile.

Angel fought the urge to roll his eyes as best he could.

"Huh." Was all he allowed.

"Yup," Clem continued, clearly oblivious to any change in Angel's demeanor. "And it's a good thing too. Poor guy followed her around like she had him chained to her by the 'nads or something."

Spike's smile vanished.

"Are you sure it was just with Buffy?" Angel mused and ignored the sharp kick to his ankle.

Clem laughed jovially.

"You're kinda funny."

"Really?" Angel's interest picked up.

"Kinda."

Spike flinched as Clem reached out and gave her a pat. "You be sure to keep ahold of this guy, he seems like a catch."

"Really?" Spike droned in a bored manner and gave Angel a disinterested up-down stare. "I'm considering throwing him back, myself."

Before Angel could debate if and how to retaliate, the concierge Derek miraculously materialized.

"Well, I had to pull a few strings…" he dangled an elaborate old-fashioned key in front of them. "But I was able to book you into room 1823." He finished with a hopeful smile at Spike as he accepted Angel's credit card.

Spike blinked and looked at him as if he was something particularly disgusting that had been found clogging up a sink.

"Whatever." She muttered.

Derek's smile faded and his shoulders slumped as he handed back Angel's card and room info. "Enjoy your stay. Bernard will show you to your room." He flatly indicated a nearby staff member.

Clem saluted the two vamps as they walked off. "See ya around."

Once they were out of earshot he leaned over confidentially to the disgruntled Derek.

"Don't worry about it, guy. Way that broad's dressed- my guess is you've still got a shot. Plus I hear he's a eunuch."


End file.
